The envelope please …

By Gary Larrabee

SThe man rarely played golf. He was a tennis fanatic. Played nearly every day; often attended the “majors’ in New York and London. When he sold his Malibu estate to John McEnroe and Tatum O’Neil, he made the former Wimbledon and U.S. Open champion give him a set of lessons before the deal could be consummated. But Johnny Carson will be far better remembered for the imaginary golf swing that became the trademark conclusion to his nightly monologue on The Tonight Show for 30 years.

“A pretty good swing for a non-golfer,” my kid brother Mark, the PGA pro, observed. “Loose, relaxed, good arm, wrist and hand action. Too bad he never took up the game seriously.”

Carson, who died in January at the age of 79, knew his way around golf and the game’s stars nonetheless. He even delivered a racy wisecrack one night with guest Jack Nicklaus that was often recalled in his obituaries. When Carson asked Nicklaus what role his wife Barbara played in his preparation for an important tournament, Jack replied, “She gets my balls ready.” Carson quipped without a pause, “and I imagine that gets your putter aflutter.”

Jack’s blush was a beet red, but he laughed through it all. And Carson had a line for his Sports Quips Hall of Fame.

In honor of Carson, the funniest man in my lifetime, we give you a few golf predictions for 2005 as Johnny’s hilarious character, “Carnac the Magnificent,” would have delivered them, answers/predictions first, questions second; some amusing, some not.

A: Twins, triplets, quadruplets. Q: What are the furthest thoughts from Annika Sorenstam’s mind as she goes through the divorce process?

A: Jump off the Kernwood Bridge into the Danvers River. Q: What yours truly and Frank Dully, yours truly’s pick to click, will do if the latter fails to win the Massachusetts Open at Vesper Country Club.

A: Sweden. Q: Where will Mr. and Mrs. Tiger Woods move to by December if the Great One does not win a major this season?

A: Three. Q: How many Nationwide Tour events will Cape Ann favorite Pat Bates win this season.

A: Frank Vana and his fiancé, Boxford’s Becky Blaeser, of the MGA. Q: Who will repeat as Massachusetts Amateur champion at Essex County Club and who will be the first to give him a congratulatory kiss at the trophy presentation?

A: The 2013 United States Amateur Championship. Q: What event will be awarded by the USGA to The Country Club to commemorate the 100th anniversary of Francis Ouimet’s stirring victory at the 1913 United States Open?

A: The Grace Keyes Cup at Myopia. Q: After finishing second a year ago, in what prestigious WGAM event will Wenham CC’s Diane Carter break through for her first major victory?

A: A fabulous new career opportunity in the business in which he has dedicated his life. Q: What is my fondest wish for one of the North Shore’s favorite golf sons, Don Lyons? (And hoping it happens before you read this.)

A: Halle Berry. Q: In an attempt to add “over-the-top” sex appeal, who should be named the successor to Ty Votaw as LPGA commissioner?

A: The Buick Championship outside Hartford. Q: Where will James Driscoll, the former State Junior (at Kernwood) and State Amateur (at Myopia) champion annex his first PGA Tour triumph?

A: 181. Q: As the envy of every golf writer in the world, how many men’s major golf championships will the irreverent Dan Jenkins have covered in succession by the end of this summer?

A: 2090. Q: In what year will the city of Salem finally see the error of its way and at long last build a second nine holes for Olde Salem Greens?

A: Pink and canary yellow. Q: What colors will Ian Poulter be dressed in when he wins the PGA Tour’s Deutsche Bank Championship in Norton in September?

A: December 31, 2005. Q: How long will Indian Summer golf conditions prevail?

A: $75,000. Q: What record amount of proceeds do we hope the Commodore Open amasses this year to benefit the North Shore Arc?

A: The late, great Ted Carangelo. Q: What North Shore golfing immortal should have fundraising tournaments named after him by Tedesco Country Club and the Massachusetts Golf Association?

A: Run, starting at high noon, from the first tee to the 18th green on his/her home course in nothing but a Speedo bathing suit and jogging shoes, no later than November 1. Q: What will this correspondent do in tribute if one of our North Shore golfers wins the men’s or women’s Massachusetts Amateur titles, the men’s or women’s Massachusetts Open, New England PGA, New England Open or New England Amateur titles?